Business Jokes

RESUMANIA

"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the 
unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples: 

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,efficacy, and expertise." 
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary,evidently.) 

"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for 
another opportunity." 
(No problem ...) 

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." 
(Glad to hear it.) 

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age." 
(And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?) 

"I am very detail-oreinted." 
(With the possible exception of spelling) 

"I can play well with others." 
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy.) 

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." 
(A new twist on work-family balance.) 

 

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." 
(Have you considered law school?) 

"My salary requirement is $34 per year." 
(They say money isn't everything.) 

"Served as assistant sore manager." 
(Ouch.) 

"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle." 
(So you're willing to travel?) 

"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco." 
(Definitely to the point.) 

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live." 
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.) 

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." 
(We're glad you're not bitter.) 

Inventor in a patent office

An inventor goes to the patent office, sees the patent officer and says, "I've got an invention; it's a folding bottle. I call it a fottle, get it? Folding bottle - fottle." 

"Very nice, sir," the patent officer says. "Do you have any other inventions?" 

"Yes, I do. I also have a folding carton; I call it a farton," replies the inventor. 

"I'm sorry, sir," the officer says, "but that is an inappropriate name; it's disgusting." 

"Oh," groans the inventor, "then I guess you wouldn't be interested in my folding bucket." 

 

Intelligence

One day, two men were digging a ditch in the hot sun, when one said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch in the hot sun, when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know, but I'll go ask him," replied the other. 

So, he climbed out of the hole and walked over to his boss. "Why are we digging in the sun and you're standing in the shade?" he asked. 

"It's called 'intelligence'," the boss replied. 

"What do you mean, ‘intelligence'?" asked the man. 

The boss said, "I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a swing and tried to hit his boss' hand, but the boss removed his hand and the ditch digger ended up hitting the tree instead. "That's intelligence!" said the boss. 

The ditch digger went back to the hole. When his friend asked what the boss had said, he replied, "He said we are down here because of intelligence." 

"What's intelligence?" his friend asked. 

"Here, I'll show you," the ditch digger replied, as he put his hand over his face. "Now, take your shovel and hit my hand as hard as you can." 

 

Great news in time of crisis

Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day. 

Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere." 

Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit. 

"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned." 

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door... “Telegram!" 

The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it. Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"

The most expensive monkey

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please". 

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey. 

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey – most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" 

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. 

He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?" 

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." 

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. 

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" 

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a consultant." 

 

How to deal with Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 

3. If the person says he's Rajeev from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with XYZ services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" 

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 

6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?" 

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or human blood - chicken blood too?" 

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. 

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Ajay from XYZ." You: "XYZ!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Delhi." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." 

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...) 

How to do business

It's a summer holiday weekend and a man is shopping for the cookout he's having. He notices a sign in a butcher shop window advertising 'Ground Sirloin: 39 cents per pound'. Entering the shop, he tells the butcher he would like five pounds of the ground sirloin. 

"Sorry, sir," replies the butcher. "I'm all out." 

Disappointed, the man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?" 

"It's $3.59 per pound," replies the butcher. 

"What!" exclaims the man. "The butcher up the street is selling it for 39 cents per pound!" 

Smiling calmly, the butcher asks, "Does he have any?" 

"Not right now, no. He told me he's out of it," replies the man. 

Grinning, the butcher says, "Well sir, when I don't have any, I can sell it for 29 cents per pound

The Pharmacist was Rude

When the husband arrived home, his wife met him at the door sobbing. He asked her what was wrong. 

"It's the pharmacist," she wailed. "He insulted me something awful on the phone this morning." Hearing this, the husband immediately headed downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist cut him off and said, "Please, just listen to my side of it." 

"This morning my alarm didn't go off," the pharmacist began to explain, "so I was late getting up. Going without breakfast, I rushed out to my car only to realize I had locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. 

”Then, driving a little too fast, I got pulled over and was given a speeding ticket. Later, about two blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally arrived at the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. 

”I opened the store and began waiting on these people, and all the while the damn phone was ringing off the hook." 

Taking a breath, he continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins, the phone still ringing off the hook. As I stood up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. This made me stagger back against a showcase filled with perfume bottles, causing all of them to fall to the floor and break. 

”Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing without letting up. When I finally got to answering it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." 

Here is what your HR has to say to all of you

To: All employees 
From: Human Resources 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. 

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. 

So... 

Try saying 
Perhaps I can work late. 
Instead of 
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? 

Try saying 
I'm certain that is not feasible. 
Instead of 
No fucking way!! 

Try saying 
Really? 
Instead of 
You've got to be shitting me. 

Try saying 
Perhaps you should check with... 
Instead of 
Tell someone who gives a shit. 

Try saying 
Of course I'm concerned. 
Instead of 
Ask me if I give a shit. 

Try saying 
I wasn't involved in the project. 
Instead of 
It's not my fucking problem. 

Try saying 
That's interesting. 
Instead of 
What the fuck?!?! 

Try saying 
I'm not sure I can implement this. 
Instead of 
Fuck it, it won't work. 

Try saying 
I'll try to schedule that. 
Instead of 
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? 

Try saying 
Are you sure this is a problem? 
Instead of 
Who the fuck cares? 

Try saying 
He's not familiar with the problem. 
Instead of 
He's got his head up his ass. 

 

Try saying 
Excuse me sir? 
Instead of 
Eat shit and die motherfucker. 

Try saying 
So you weren't happy with it? 
Instead of 
Kiss my ass. 

Try saying 
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. 
Instead of 
Fuck it, I'm on salary. 

Try saying 
I don't think you understand. 
Instead of 
Shove it up your ass. 

Try saying 
I love a challenge. 
Instead of 
This job sucks. 

Try saying 
You want me to take care of that? 
Instead of 
Who the hell died and made you boss? 

Try saying 
I see. 
Instead of 
Blow me. 

Try saying 
Yes, we really should discuss it. 
Instead of 
Another fucking meeting!!! 

Try saying 
I don't think this will be a problem. 
Instead of 
I really don't give a shit. 

Try saying 
He's somewhat insensitive. 
Instead of 
He's a fucking prick. 

Try saying 
She's an aggressive go getter. 
Instead of 
She's a ball busting bitch. 

Try saying 
I think you could use more training. 
Instead of 
You don't know what the fuck you're doing 

How to write a commercial love letter

My dear Fair & Lovely (Ek tukda chand ka), 

You are my TVS Scooty (first love) & also my Aiwa (pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) & you are Sansui (better than the best). You are McDowell's (Mera No. 1) love. I believe in Freshiya (gorepan se jyada, khoobsurti ka vaada) & you are most beautiful in this world. 

I think of you day & night when you give one & only smile. You are Domino's Pizza (delivering million smiles a day) for me. This is Colgate Gel Energy Fresh (seriously fresh) feeling for me. I would like you to be my life-partner. 

I think you are worried about your father who is Kawasaki Bajaj (the unshakeable) & also thinking of my father who is Ceat (born tough) but don't worry, I'm also Ford Icon (the Josh machine) & rest of our family members are Kelvinator (the coolest one). If they say no, we will run away, marry & Philips (let's make things better). 

For them, it would be Mirinda (zor ka jhatka, dheere se lage) & our thinking will be Coca-Cola (jo chaho ho jaaye, Coca-Cola enjoy). Trust in God who is always Nokia (connecting people) those who love each other & Wills (made for each other). Once this happens, Samsung (everyone's invited) in our love. 

We will be Hero Honda (leading the way) of our life. Then our life would be Bolero (break-free). Now that Hyundai (We are listening) the songs of our life, you must realise that love is Dairy Milk (the real taste of life), Satyam Online (fun, fast, easy), Parx (always comfortable) & also Amul (the taste of India). 

For me Home Trade (life means more). So, never forget me & I know that I have written very little because I am your own Pepsi (yeh dil maange more). 

Does your company have a problem in recruiting the right guy for the right chair? If yes, try this simple experiment. Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside. Leave them alone, come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation:- 

If they are counting and recounting the bricks 

-Put them in Accounts Dept. 

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks 

-Put them in Engineering. 

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order 

-Put them in Planning. 

If they are throwing the bricks at each other 

-Put them in Operations. 

If they are sleeping 

-Put them in Security . 

If they have broken the bricks into pieces 

-Put them in Information Technology . 

If they are sitting idle 

-Put them in Human Resource Dept . 

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window 

-Put them in Materials Dept. 

If they are clinging on to the bricks 

-Put them in Treasury . 

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved 

-Put them in Sales . 

If they have already left for the day 

-Put them in Marketing . 

If they are staring out of the window 

-Put them in the Export . 

And last but not the least... 

If they are talking to each other and not a brick has been moved 

-Put them in Top Management !!! 

The equation of Earnings

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof has been developed that explains why this is true: 

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. 

Postulate 2: Time is Money. 

As every engineer knows, 

Work = Power x Time 

Since Knowledge = Power , and Time = Money , we have: 

Work = Knowledge x Money 

Solving for Money, we get: 

Money =Work / Knowledge 

Thus, as Knowledge decreases, Money increases, regardless of how much Work is done. 

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make. 

Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.